Smile!

In both geographic and dental senses, Ireland isn't that far from England. So maligned are the Brits' calcified outgrowths that they've endured well-documented parody in all forms of media. Again, Ireland is a mere stone's throw away from England, so it stands to reason that the pearly whites of the Emerald Isle aren't all that pearly.

While my teeth are neither a buttery hue nor a cluster of jagged bone formations, they have seen their share of wear. What's the damage?

• 12 fillings
• 8 original fillings removed and replaced due to mercury content
• 4 wisdom teeth removed
• 1 root canal

It doesn't help that the dentist scares the shit out of me; so does the drill. I've given each individual drill bit a name based on the sound it makes. Buzzy and Choppy are the worst.

A few weeks ago, I underwent gum surgery. Fun. I received more anesthetic than I ever have in my life. Despite the constant sticking and a completely numb left side, I still felt the waterpik touch a nerve shortly after my gums had been ripped open. The best part is that I get to do the right side of my face in about a week.

With a baby on the way in a little over a month, I can assure you that I am not planning on getting lazy when it comes to my son's dental hygiene. I will dress up as Timmy the fucking Tooth if I have to. Whatever it takes. Because he's my son, and for that reason, the dentist will never be his friend.